One Stupid Mop

We like music. You should too.

NOFX broke in my pair of Converse last night.

(download)

I went to a punk rock show last night. I got kicked, punched, pushed,
bitten, flicked, tapped, hugged and leaned on. I got yelled at,
high-fived and given weird looks. It might have been one of the most
incredible concert experiences of my life.

NOFX with Old Man Markely and Strike Anywhere. Rams Head Live! in
Baltimore, Maryland. I got to the venue around 7:15. Doors at 7, Old
Man Markley at 8. Strike Anywhere at 9. NOFX at 10. Having left
from work, I was wearing a suit. Should I wear it inside? Probably
not. I changed…and pregamed. That's when I realized: NOFX. The
first punk band. The first non-major-label band. One of the first
bands, period. A major part of my musical roots. Downstairs. Right
now. Performing soon. Oh wow. Inhale. Exhale. ok - i'm ready.

Spent 15 years. Gettin' Loaded. 15 years. Till his liver exploded.
Now what's BOB gonna do now that he can't drink? THE DOCTOR SAID…

Predictably empty venue when it's 40 minutes before the opener.
Purchase shirt. Open a tab. Get a drink. Get a second. Find a
spot. SHALOM! Fat Mike's PA called out to me. I don't know any of
the people at this show right now. I've only been to this venue a
couple of times. I feel like I'm home. These are my brothers. My
sisters. My cousins. My second cousins. A punk family. Whomever
said punk rock doesn't bring people together…well…that was probably
Ben Weasel.

Lights dim. 7 people come on stage. Who the fuck is this? This
isn't NOFX. None of these guys are fat or named mike. No blue
dreads. No trumpet. Then - they played. This. THIS. This is Old
Man Markley. Think Flogging Molly minus about 10 years plus a dude
playing spoons and a washboard. They closed their set with a song
written by Ben Weasel. They announced this. Does that mean I should
beat the shit out of some woman to celebrate? (Last Weasel knock - I
promise) Absolutely incredible. Blew me the fuck away. I told John
this when I saw him off stage. Fucker worked his ass off on stage.
Must see them again at their own show.

Lights up. Crowd moves. My cup is empty. Shocktops acquired. Tab
increased. Lights dim. Strike Anywhere comes on. Good punk.
Nothing out of the ordinary. Solid 40 minutes.

This is it. The last break before the explosion. Last beer:
purchased. At this point, I'm so excited, I can barely think. I no
longer know where I am. Nothing exists before or after this
performance. I don't have a car, a home, money, a job, somewhere to
be or somewhere to go. I don't have family, bills, friends or
anything else. I've got this stage in front of me. This cup in my
hand. These tatted, drunk punks surrounding me. This energy. This
fucking energy.

Cause hey. We're the 'brews. Sporting anti-swastika tattoos. Oi!
Oi! We're the 'brews. Fairfax ghetto boys. Skinhead Hebrews.

They walked on. All 4. The 4 horsemen. Of the punkpocalypse. What
followed was 26 or 27 songs of incredible…umm…I don't even know what
to call it. Just a performance? Just some songs? Just a concert?
Just some curse words? Just some witty banter? Just screwball
antics? Just NOFX? Not *just* NOFX. It was, though, 26 or 27 songs
of NOFX. Fat Mike, El Hefe, Melvin and Smelly. The guitars tore.
The drums exploded. The bass…bass'd. They (literally) blew out the
venue's PA before their fifth song. Fat Mike freaked out on stage.
Melvin threw his dreads around, charlie brown-style. cock and
balltimore. pharmacist's daughter. mattersville. cokie the clown
(no tequila piss bottle). eat the meek.

The pits open up. I started at the front barricade - not near where I
thought the pit would be. I was in the pit. The pit was everywhere.
Pushing, throwing, hugging, sloshing, picking up change, fists in the
air. SEEING DOUBLE AT THE TRIPLE ROCK!!! I love this. I never want
it to end. Give me 3 solid years in a NOFX-fueled mosh pit and I'll
be all set.

I have no idea how long they played for. They went on at 10 and I was
in my car at midnight. Could it have been 2 hours of ball-smashing
NOFX? Who knows. My guess? Time distortion.

NOFX doesn't have anything new out. They aren't touring for a record.
They aren't shamelessly plugging anything (except for the Fat Wreck
Chord bands on tour with them). They don't need to be, though. Why?
Cause they're NOFX. Just. Because.

CAN'T GET THE STINK OUT!

You can pick up most of the NOFX discography AND the Old Man Markley
record at http://www.fatwreck.com. If you live in/near Canada, go
check out NOFX and OMM on their Canadian tour. You won't regret it.
I need a band-aid and some advil.

10 Songs in 5 Minutes

(download)

You have got to love a band that has 4 variations on a song with
lyrics consisting solely of the words "fuck the kids". No question.

NOFX has been around for 27 years. 27 fucking years. 11 studio
albums and millions of 7-inches. They've got songs about
quadriplegics. They've got songs about parents passing away. They've
got songs about the government. They've got songs about their
religion. They've got songs about both drinking and giving up booze.
They've got songs about peeing, pooing, puking, producing, promoting
and performing. They've got songs that mock radio stations, the word
'whoa' and hippies. They ask you politely to stop fucking their
mother and willingly inform you of fun things that you can have sex
with instead. They've gone on world tours, had television shows,
created a brand and (at least partially) helped to legitimize an
entire genre of music. They've done all this without ever being on a
major label - something that only occurred to me this morning…after
listening to their music for more than 12 years.

The first NOFX record I remember listening to was Heavy Petting Zoo.
Hobophobic may have been the first NOFX song I ever heard. Philthy
Phil is my favorite. All time.

I saw them once in 2001 and again in 2006. I met Smelly in 2001 and
don't remember anything about 2006. If I didn't have a ticket stub,
I'd doubt that I went. This Saturday, NOFX is bringing their Raw,
Independent, Loud, Jewish, Stinky, Obscenity-laden, Booze-filled,
Insult-fueled antics to Rams Head Live! in Baltimore. Wear a helmet.

When I think of NOFX live, I think of every single moment I've been
listening to a NOFX tune and I've had one of Mike's lyrics just click
in my head. I suddenly realize what the song's about. Those are the
moments when you realize that a band that can fit 10 songs into 5
minutes can still have depth. Those are the moments when you realize
that it's a no-brainer that these 4 punks have been successfully doing
this for 27 fucking years. NOFX live is about 500 billion of those
moments. I'm not exaggerating, either. I wouldn't do that. I'm a
math teacher.

By the way, here are the songs in this collection:

1 - Fuck The Kids
2 - I Gotta Pee
3 - New Happy Birthday Song
4 - See Her Pee
5 - Punk Song
6 - Posuer
7 - Fuck The Kids (Reprise)
8 - Murder The Government
9 - Eric Melvin Vs. PCP
10 - Whoa On The Whoas

The show is this coming Saturday, 6/11 at Rams Head Live! in
Baltimore, MD. You can buy tickets here:
http://bit.ly/NOFXatRamsHead. I was serious about the helmet. See
you there. I'll be the kid rocking the fuck out.